Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Mooninites Shut Down Boston

Ya can't make this stuff up. Boston was damn near on lockdown today, wreaking havoc with commuters, because Nation of Fear freaked out over an ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN for a CARTOON. And then, and THEN, the TV news - that spent the whole day freaking everyone out about the "bombs" planted strategically around the city - had to blur out part of the CARTOON CHARACTER because it was giving the finger. Nevermind that, because it's a CARTOON CHARACTER, it only has one digit on its "hands" so it's not technically the "middle finger" rather just "The Finger."

Did I mention it was a CARTOON CHARACTER? And the title of this post is a bit misleading, as it was really only one half of the Mooninites - Ignignokt - that managed to shut down a major American city. Err and Ignignokt are two of my favorite cartoon characters ever created, part of the show "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" which is just as ridiculous and silly as it sounds. Anyone remember the Foreigner Belt? Or how bout the laser beam of doom? hahahahahahahaaa! What a great show. But seriously, what a sad and pathetic bunch of people we've become to let ourselves be terrorized by blinking lights displaying a CARTOON CHARACTER.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

"OMG! Have you heard this band called 'The Beatles'???"

I'm a little leery of recommending music to people. Being in the army was sort of like hanging out in a time warp for five years. When I mention a band I like, those in the know sniff and don't even say, "That's so last year!" They sniff and exclaim, "That's so... 2003? God, I don't even know. I haven't listened to them in years!" That's a bit much for a 24-year-old's ego to take (or anyone under 35's ego for that matter) so I usually keep mum on these sort of things.

Having said all of that, I just discovered (don't ask me how this chain of events unfolded) Neko Case. If you haven't heard her, run to your nearest free music sampler place and listen to the first track on Blacklisted called "Things that Scare Me." It sounds kinda like what would happen if Mazzy Star played country music. "Well duh, Sara, it's altcountry. Isn't that exactly what it's supposed to sound like?" And the answer is that most altcountry I've heard is really just plain ol' country music as sung by people that aren't ignominious mouthbreathers (ie: Toby Keith). This is really something different, and she has an incredible voice.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

More Monkeys!

Updated and Edited
School was cancelled in advance today, so I got to sleep in. Here's a more easily viewable video of "bowling for SUVs."



Is it so wrong that I laughed UPROARIOUSLY at this video? I mean, that first car hit everything in sight, and then slid down the block to hit more things! Just because you drive an SUV, or a 4x4 of any sort, does NOT mean that you know how to drive in the snow.

As you can see, it was a lovely morning in PDX. The temperature is now 29! Can't wait for tomorrow!!

Oh and by the way, the giant logs in the picture below are the ones I'm supposed to take an axe to. Mmmhmm. Add another twenty degrees to the temp and I'll think about it.

More Fun than a Barrel Full of Monkeys






That's Portland in a snowstorm. It snows but twice a year - once in Nov/Dec and once in Jan/Feb - and real snowstorms - the serious, sticking kind - are a once-every-three-years special. It's understandable then that when such an event does occur, especially if coinciding with the morning commute, that the whole thing is quite an ordeal. Portlanders, bless their rain-soaked hearts, cannot drive in the snow. To be fair, most cities with considerable snowfall have these things called "plows" that take care of the roads before anyone is even awake.We don't. The vast majority of the ones in Oregon have been allocated to the eastern side of the state and to the mountain passes, because that's normally the only place it ever snows significantly.

I had an eight a.m. class, and so I was out the door by seven. Shortly before I left the PSU website had no alerts saying it was closed. OregonLive had a few other school cancellations, and since PSU has a reputation of NEVER closing, I figured class was on. Fast forward an hour and forty-five minutes and I'm still on the bus, about a mile from campus. We'd been sitting at this same intersection for twenty minutes. I got out and walked. By the time I got to campus there were signs taped to the doors announcing the delayed opening of campus at ten. So I found a study nook and caught up on some reading. At twenty to, I left for my ten o'clock archaeology class. I no sooner stepped out onto the eerily quiet downtown street when my phone rang. The loud jangling from my pocket startled me, and had there been any passerby, or even a bird for that matter, they would have been startled too. It was mom.

"Where are you?" she asked.
I sighed. I knew what was coming. "Downtown. Why?"
"PSU is closed!" she announced cheerfully.
"Those bastards!" One step ahead of them all morning. This wasn't fair.

After seeing one stuck bus after another and cars spinning their tires and bicyclists (seriously guys, worst idea EVER!) skidding sideways, I realized that the fastest way home was a four-mile walk. Slipping and sliding I kept pace by muttering "the Cup and Saucer Cafe had soooo better be open," every so often. It was. As usual, there was a line, but once I got a table and my omelette, that food was gone practically before the waitress had made it back to the kitchen. I got home roughly ten minutes before I would have on an ordinary day with classes.

Highlights were the dumb bicyclists eating snow, and the "adventure bus" game, where passengers had to exit the bus while it drifted sideways into traffic. See? Barrel of monkeys...

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Hooray for Music!

I had plans this morning. I was going to get up early-ish, around 7, and either bike or bus downtown to Kell's to watch some soccer games. The Horse Brass pub is where I usually go to do such things, as it's right around the corner and usually free. However, they haven't updated their schedule in awhile, and I'll be damned if I'm getting up before 10 for an activity that isn't set in stone. Plus, Kell's wasn't charging a cover for a change. After the games I was going to hit the library as soon as it opened. See, our art history class has reading assigned from a book that one can only find at the PSU library. There is only one copy. Therefore, all fifty of us have to find a way to read it using the two-hour allotted borrowing time. I figured if I got there first thing Saturday morning there wouldn't be a wait. Then, since I was already at the library and in study mode, I was going to finish the reading for the rest of my classes, touch up one assignment, and then get some office supplies that I needed.

Instead of any of these great things, I woke up at 12:30. I wanted to be heading home about then. The cause? Well, last night I was settling on an evening of movies, beer and mandolin playing. However, I no sooner got out said mandolin, when it reminded me that my friend's band was having a show... RIGHT THEN! I rushed over, only to find that it wasn't starting for awhile. What's one to do? Well, I went to the store and bought myself some dinner - spaghetti o's from a can and a couple big bottles of Newcastle. Classy, I know. A few hours, some really great friends and music later, plus a few shots of whiskey, and then... well, you already got the rest of the story. Yawn.

It's nice to see the Corvallis crew doing so well. Three out of the six band members are people I've known the better part of my life. While it's still crazy to me to think that some of my hometown friends now have spouses and kids, it makes me smile to see them enjoying their lives so much. Everyone seemed to be in their element and the music sounded really great; far better than when they played at the big "real" venue a month ago. Last night they were in a much better atmosphere, relaxed, and without a giant, bad sound system, and it came out in their playing. The set ended on a somber note, however, with a song about and for our mutual friend who should have been there, but couldn't, for obvious and sad reasons.

Procrastination that Stings

A few weeks ago my housemate came home with, literally, a tree. And not some wimpy sapling, either. This was a big ol' fir tree that was knocked over in her friend's yard during the last windstorm. The city sawed off the branches and the trunk into logs roughly 2-2 1/2 feet long. The tree was about two feet in diameter, and a bit more in the thickest part. She had said something to me earlier about "rearranging" the firewood outside and I had agreed to help. A few days after seeing this pile outside, I enquired at to how exactly we were going to cut that wood into managable pieces. She's had a friend come out with a chainsaw before, so I thought maybe that was the plan. She put on her patronizing, third-grade teacher voice and said, "It needs to be split. Have you ever split wood before?"

What the hell state does she think I grew up in? I didn't appreciate the insinuation that I was a worthless, unskilled kid, which is exactly how she was trying to make me feel. I snapped back, "Of course I have! I'm a Cottam. Haven't you ever been camping with us?" She seem a little stung at my shortness, but I thought it was deserved.

Half out of laziness and half out of spite at our convservation, I continued to ignore the woodpile. When I got into the mood, I figured, then I'd chop a bit. This mood would hopefully coincide with the end of a rainstorm, so the wood would be nice and soft. Unfortunately, the mood didn't hit until today and it's now 26 degrees outside and hasn't been above 35 in three days, so those logs are now really giant ice cubes. Splitting it with an axe would be a lot like trying to split the street curb. Noooo thank you. Meanwhile, the dry woodpile is getting smaller and smaller and the temperature ain't gettin' any higher. Methinks tomorrow will be a painful day.

Friday, January 12, 2007

How did I miss this?

BECKHAM IS COMING TO AMERICA!!!!!!

More when I get home....

OK. Anyway, more important than his skills (which some say are waning), more important than gutting the budget of the MLS is the sponsorships. Yeah, he's getting paid oodles of money, but not just from the team, also from the likes of Pepsi, Gilette, blah blah blah. This is important because if the major corporations are willing to invest so much into SOCCER, then no doubt will it become more profitable and thus more popular. Those sort of heavyweights can buy time onto major airwaves, build real stadiums and set up high-profile tournaments.

Also, I think that even if no one in America had ever heard of David Beckham, he'd still be one of the most famous people in the world. Little kids in Afghanistan know who he is. (Seriously, we'd bring soccer balls into a village and the kids would cheer and yell, "oo! football! beckham!") Soccer is just one more aspect of America that is out of touch with the rest of the world. We look upon soccer with disdain. We see it as boring, meant for skinny kids who weren't athletic enough to play football or baseball or basketball or any other "real" sport. We are totally oblivious to the fanaticism the sport generates around the world. There's a fancy term for this... "American Exceptionalism" I think is what I'm looking for. It'd be nice - since we can't seem to do it politically - if America was in step with the world in at least one aspect.

On a more selfish note, in the past Portland has been host to a few high level tournaments. Even though our stadium is small and the pitch treacherous, big names come here to play because we're known for our enthusiastic fan base ("Soccer City, USA" and all). So maybe, just maybe, I'll get the chance to see the man himself play. So what if he's old; he can still kick a ball like no one's business.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Ol' 55

This is a game. Obviously I'm a little bored. Here's the deal: take your ipod or other music-playing device and put it on random. Answer each question with the next song on the random playlist. (I'd like to note that the questions seem to flip between 1st and 2nd person, but I assume it all applies to the 1st.)

What does this year have in store for me?
"I'm Sorry but it's Over" (Dredg) - Um, can we start over? I already don't like this.

What does your love life look like?
"The Crock of Gold" (The Tossers) - YESSSS!! Ok, we're getting better.

What do I say when life gets hard?
"Holy Smoke" (Mighty Mighty Bosstones)

What do I think of when I get up in the morning?
"Rudy Can't Fail" (The Clash) - A bit optimistic, but close enough. :)

What song will I dance to at my wedding?
"Black Friday Rule" (Flogging Molly) - Great. I'll be hammered and it'll be on video forever. I can see it already.

What do you want as a career?
"Room without a Window" (Operation Ivy) - That's pretty much the *opposite* of what I want for a career.

Your favorite saying?
"The Knowing Dirge" (Floater)

Favorite place?
"Faraway" (The Tossers) - Wow. Pretty much hit THAT nail on the head!

What do you think of your parents?
"Worker's Song" (Dropkick Murphys) - "We're the first ones to starve/we're the first ones to die/the first ones in line for that pie in the sky/but we're always the last when they brandish it out/for the worker is workin' when the fat cat's about" Song about sacrifice. It fits, certainly.

Where would you go on a first date?
"USA" (Reagan Youth) - Gee, really? Interesting that it answered me a place name, though.

Drug of choice?
"Drinkin' Again" (10 Dollar Mic) - Drink? Me? Nahhhhh

Describe yourself
"Miranda that Ghost just isn't Holy Anymore: D. Con Safo" (The Mars Volta)

What is the thing I like doing most?
"Cowpoke" (Supersuckers) - Look, just cuz I grew up in a small town doesn't mean I have anything to do with cows! Jeez!

The song that best describes the president?
"Stay out of my Dreams" (Type O Negative) - DAMN STRAIGHT.

What is my state of mind like at the moment?
"Give me Novacaine" (Green Day) - Mmm, whiskey'll do... *slurs*

How will I die?
"At the Border, Guy" (Joe Strummer and the Mescaleros) - Stay away from creepy men at the border, gotcha.

The song that will be played at your funeral?
"Cassandra Geminni: A. Tarantism" (The Mars Volta)

The song you'll put as the subject?
"Ol' 55" (Tom Waits)

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

An Un-FAB Morning (aka, The Terrible Pun Title)

This morning I reemerged into the Portland street after two hours of American art history ("Art history is taught without light or oxygen," says the prof) with only 11 minutes to get to my next class. Thirty minutes later, I found that next class. It turns out that FAB does not stand for Fifth Avenue Business Center, rather it stands for Fourth Avenue Building, which is not called the Fourth Avenue Building at all, it's called the Fariborz Maseeh Northwest Center for Engineering, Science and Technology or something similar, and it's a business on the first floor. The actual lecture hall was tucked away into a corner of the basement. I think it was a corner anyway; the strange, blocky design structure made it difficult to tell what was a doorway from a hallway and it did nothing for my sense of direction. It reminded me of the Starship Enterprise II. I half expected a "pshhh" sound and someone with a very pronounced browridge and a onesie uniform to enter the hall from one of the doorways.

With that little adventure completed, I was relieved to find the door at the back open. But I noticed with growing trepidation that not one, but ALL of the Notorious Ass Kissers from previous anthro classes were present. These are the people that either a) ask time-wasting questions not in a quest to find the answer, but rather to show off how much they already know; or b) any time the lecturer makes a point they will laugh loudly and then relate some story or anecdote, like someone invited their opinions; or c) in a similar vein to "a" but is in the formed as an argument instead of a question. This time, however, there is also the addition of Creationist Boy who seems to have enrolled himself into an advanced archaeology course in order to argue his religious quack theories with the rest of us heathens who really just want to study archaeology and its methods. The professor took to ignoring him immediately, so he spent THE ENTIRE CLASS putting his arm up and down to try and get her attention. The only reason I didn't hurl a large heavy object at him was because there were multiple (potentially) innocent people in the way. As a counterweight to the overflow of douchebaggery, a friend from high school is also in the class, so at least I'll have company.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

2...007

Usually I do a Thank Yous and Fuck Yous list, but this year I didn't feel like it. 2006 was the best year of my life so far and I'm for once not dreading the upcoming one. But despite its greatness, there were a few things I coulda done without. The Mercury did a story called "Things not Invited to 2007" and I find it really funny, so here's my own version.

Things not invited back for 2007:

Damarcus Beasely - "DAMMIT BEASLEY!!!" could be heard echoing around my parents' neighborhood, shouted by either myself, my dad, or my youngest sister often last year. I hear he's doing quite well at Man City and he can stay there for all I care. Maybe by the time the next world cup rolls around he'll have learned how to finish and improved his attitude by about 200%. Oh, and most the rest of the U.S. National Team are also univited from this year, with the exception of Brian McBride and some of the subs that replaced Beasely.

Leonardo DiCaprio - He's up for awards. That ought to be reason enough to uninvite movie award awarders. If I have to hear one more commercial for "Blood Diamond" I will put the TV over someone's head. My dog could do a better accent than that worthless pretty boy.

US Airport Security - This ought to not require much explanation.

Oregon Liquor Laws - I shouldn't have to feel like a criminal when buying beer.


It's not all bad news, though. Things to look forward to in 2007:

TIMBERS!!!!! - April is SUCH a long way away. Nothing like beer, singing, and condoned shouting of obsceneties... oh, and soccer, too.

Living down the street from Movie Madness - possibly the best video store EVER.

Not having a single thing planned yet for Spring Break. Spain, maybe?

Six weeks off after summer school.

Pay throughout the year just for going to college.

Two new Daniel Craig movies!

And We'll Start the New Year Off with...

Bills!

It was brought to my attention today that while I was home visiting I received a phone bill. By the time I got back up here that bill was late and I was notified rather curtly of this this morning. Not only that, but it was outrageously expensive, as I was being charged for a service that I didn't know was chargable. On top of that, I just paid my tuition (it went up), most of my books, rent, utilities, and internet service. I feel like I just got punched in the gut.

Oh a positive note, I learned how to play Risk, and with the combined efforts of the She Team (aka, "Congress"), actually won a game. AND AND AND!! I got on a soccer team! YAY!!! Ok, it's indoor, coed rec, but ehh. It's the closest thing to a sport I've gotten involved with since the army and because it's not the army I don't have to be coached by assholes! Bonus!

Monday, January 01, 2007

Pictures!

New pics up on the picture site! Once again I deliver a roll of pictures completely free of people. The one is of vistas, ocean, swamp and the occasional distant bird. Click on the pic below to get there.

Fireworks are only cool when you can see them

Otherwise they sound like guns and bombs and things and that makes me cranky. Actually, I'm already cranky as I'm hungover and therefore didn't go out. See, you're supposed to be hungover AFTER the New Year's Eve party, not before it. Damn Belgian beer and its ridiculous alcohol content. And why are these people so happy anyway? One day closer to the end, really. Besides, it's JANUARY. It's COLD. We still have five-six more months of rain. Hardly a cause for fireworks.